The Youth Leader Chronicles – Part One

Is being a youth leader what I do or who I am?

A few years ago my son Zach and I starting imagining an idea for a book, it was called “who cleans the cleaning machines!” The idea was simple, there is a whole bunch of machines in our life; hoovers, dishwashers, washing machines, car washes, that wash things for us, but who washes them? Is there a mystical machine or secret group of elves that come out at night and clean the cleaning machines? We chatted about what they might look like but then, how it might work, what gadgets they had to do the cleaning, but as you might have imagined yourself, we were then left wondering “who cleans the machine that cleans the cleaning machines?!!” A conundrum indeed!

(By the way we still plan to write this book so please do not steal our idea!)

My reason for starting here is because I want to talk about how we care for our youth leaders, but more than that; how do we care for ourselves? After chatting with a youth worker last week I wondered whether there is still a sort of unattainable superhero status put on youth leaders? We can’t fail, we can’t get tired, our needs don’t matter, we just need to get on with the job. Now please don’t think I am saying this happens to ALL youth leaders but I do think more and more I am hearing about leaders who simply do not feel they are able to share truly how they are feeling. Even before the pandemic I knew of a bunch of leaders who were tired, lacking support, abandoning basic self care, burnt out and basically on the verge of chucking this whole ‘youth leader life calling’ thing in. No matter how great a youth ministry is, if the cost is the long term calling and health of a leader, I am not sure it’s worth it!

Having been a youth leader for a number of years I now find myself in a position to be able to share not only what it is like to ‘be’ a youth leader but also the best way of looking after youth leaders. I really hope that we are not seen as simple “cleaning machines” in our role and that we, as leaders, require no support, care, love and simple human interaction. It sounds mad even saying this but I am coming across more and more youth leaders who feel like they are only seen as their role and not as an individual with all the needs a human needs to function and be fully alive. I truly believe that it is a churches responsibility to not only resource, train and release a youth leader in their ministry, to give them all they need to be able to serve the young people in their care and thrive in their calling. But surely it has to be more than that? How do we ensure a youth leader isn’t working too hard, are they sleeping enough, is the place where they live a haven for rest, do they have friends that aren’t just youth group parents or fellow youth leaders, do we treat them as a fearfully and wonderfully made person as much as a employed youthworker? Do they have regular opportunities to ‘switch off’ and not be the youth leader?

I wonder how easy any of us find it to say how we feel? Do we worry that if we share a deep feeling of struggle that people will see us as a failure, and then the worry maybe that we will lose our job! We know over the past couple of years that has been a real volume increase for the ‘it’s ok to not be ok’ idea, which has been great, but I wonder whether that openness will happen if a youth leader doesn’t have an environment where they can share genuine struggles without fear of being judged, losing their job or feeling like they have let people down. We all would agree that ‘it’s ok to not be ok’ but what does that look like as you serve in your role as youth leader?

The key I think is having a bunch of people close by who truly see you as an individual first and as a paid youth leader second. If we start here then everything that is shared is seen through the lens of a fearfully and wonderfully made human being. You need someone who you can be yourself with! Now I am aware that statement is a blog all by itself, am I not myself as a youth leader?? If there isn’t someone close by you can say “I feel crap today, I feel alone when I’m not working, I have overwhelming feelings of sadness, am I doing ok?”, then that is a problem and maybe we hold back from ‘being ourself!’. Before we talk about growing youth groups, making a strategy for outreach, running events or residentials, we need to ensure we have the very best care and support in place for the youth leader.

Let me lead by example and share some of my own struggles and thoughts. Two questions that seem to continually surface in my life: Am I good enough? Am I working hard enough? And bizarrely no amount of encouragement, affirmation or success seems to shift these thoughts. Maybe this is part of the spiritual battle I am facing and maybe others face. Before you all send me emails with the answer to my two questions let me share that I probably know the answer to them both! What probably is behind both questions is a need to have someone speaking into my life on a deeper level, but also, I must have time alone with God so His voice comes across louder than my own, or anyone else’s.

The first question is probably from a past lie that I have believed and the second maybe comes from an insecurity about whether what I am doing is enough? The answers may take time to sink in but what is needed is a space and a safe environment for me to be able to work through these and similar questions. My worry is whether youth leaders even have these spaces and opportunities!

Jim Carrey said this: “That’s the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumour on the side of my head and they’d be like, ‘yeah, big deal. I’d eat a tumour every morning for the kinda money you are earning.’”

I am trying to write a book and one of the chapters is called ‘Who we are not what we do’ – one of the ongoing challenges youth leaders face is be able to appropriately separate our role as youth leader and our needs as an individual. I wrestle with the idea because I do believe so much of who I am is a calling given to me by God and so that shapes what I do. I don’t want to be a youth leader that is different when they are working and when they are not but I do want people interested in who I am and not just what I do. I was reading an article linked to this yesterday and it spoke about how we often start conversations by asking ‘what do you do for a living?’, people will judge us by what we do. A better question, albeit a bit of a ‘Pandora’s Box’ question is, “are you happy?” I know, it’s a bit scary to be asked or answer that!!!

I have noticed this blog is filled with more questions than answers, but maybe thats ok. Maybe I just would like us to ask one another these questions, I would like churches to discuss these questions before they appoint a youth leader.

But if you’d like an answer and you’re a bit of a fixer like me. If so, here are a few things you can do for the youth leader near by…

– invite your youth leader round for dinner often!

– try to not to always talk about youth work!

– make sure you know the story of their life before they came to your church

– find out their favourite food, favourite thing to do on their day off, favourite movie or band or place to visit. It seems trivial but this shows a real interest who who they are as an individual.

– be aware of their family.

Remember at the end of the day we all want to be known and loved and valued. If we pursue this for one another we will help people to fully realise not only their God-given calling but their intrinsic value as a child of God.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit be together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”